Primadonna Chronicles

Don't push yourself to someone just because your lonely. - Unknown

There are the should've been and could've been, but some things are just not meant to be; no matter how much you try to keep it, no matter how much the love is.

Since the start of the year, tinatanong ko na yung sarili ko. Saan ako patungo? Gusto ko ba yung kinalalagyan ko? Am I living the life I have always wanted to be? The answer? Ewan. Hindi ko alam. I am so lost. Hindi ko alam kung saan pupunta o kung anong gagawin. Sabi nila, YOLO! (You Only Live Once), so just make the best out of it. Pero, kelan mo nga ba masasabing you're making the best of what life can offer? I read one article about growing up saying that, if you don't get lost, you will never be found. It is fine to get lost. Because when you're lost, you get to know the value of yourself. You get to evaluate your strengths and weaknesses. You get to know yourself more. Kung saan ka patungo? Walang nakakaalam. Learn to live life each day without thinking too much of the future. Go with the flow of life and make sure to stay who you are each day that you face it. Walang ibang nakakakilala sa sarili mo kundi ikaw. Lastly, the ones who were lost and were able to find them...

(Credits to the rightful owner if this photo.) PAUNAWA: Ang sumusunod na pahayag ay base lamang sa naaalala kong AKO  sa aking mga nakaraang relasyon. Ang iba ay maaring magbago na, kung papasok man ako muli sa isang relasyon. Wag nang kumontra! So, Paano nga ba pag-nagka-partner ako? Ito ang ilan sa mga naaalala ko: Submissive - in such a way na sumusunod ako sa gusto niya kasi ayokong mabawasan yung musculinity niya, and as long as hindi ito labag sa kalooban ko. Gusto ko kasi lagi siyang masaya. Giver - Hindi ito yung konotasyong "2,500 plus Rubber shoes". What I mean is, as much as kaya ko yung hinihiling niya, go lang! Basta masaya siya. Yung nanghingi ng space, oras para sa sarili, cool off, hala sige! Bigay lang ng bigay! Ibigay ang hinihingi, kahit di ko na alam ang kalalagyan ko afterwards. Forgiver -  Yung tipong pabebe lang yung tampo. Konting landi lang, okay na ulit. Forgiven na siya. Yung tipong, kahit isang linggo siyang hindi magt...

Darkness is crawling. Silence is too loud I can't hear anything. The room is crowded but felt like I was alone on it. I was screaming but no one can hear me. Pain is eating me piece by piece. Weakening every part of me. Suddenly, I felt like dying. Losing the last breath that I have. I know I can't hold on any longer but I'm still keeping faith. Omne initum difficile est. Inhale, exhale. Holding to the thin string of life. Breathe in, breathe out. Oderint dum metuant. - Lala Monteagudo, 2015

'Wala kang partner?', 'I doubt if you're single!', 'Bakit ka single?', and the list goes on and on. These are just few questions that I receive everytime the word relationship enters the scene. I will just then answer, 'Wala lang. It's a choice.' But actually, IT'S NOT. I remembered someone asking me the same question and was able to drive me in a conversation with her words. As our conversation goes on, she stated one statement that really had me, and I quote, "Kaya wala kang partner eh, kasi tinitingnan mo na agad yung future, yung mga what if's. Kaya pag may bagong dumating, jinu-judge mo na agad."  I didn't have a good answer to her that time kasi, natamaan ako. But, while on my way home with Karen, counting today in as one of those feeling-not-appreciated day, I came up with a good one. Me to Karen,  "Kaya ko tinitignan agad yung future, kasi gusto ko yung pang-matagalan na agad. Why would I spend my time in a rela...

  Photo Credits to @JuanHapito   Time slows down Or worst, halted Light married darkness Past met present I’d live a scripted life I had my own playwright It forces me things that I don’t like To do this— To do that. Time has come to uncoat A time to wipe the black over the white A space to move out of the irony A season to get into the reality The worst said, “You were created for me, I can never be yours. But you are mine already.” I am the director of my own track The writer of my drawn path Time has come I am ready Hencie Rose Casihan, 2014 This poem was created for me by my trainee as she was inspired by photo. The photo was from a funshoot that me and my friend. Photographer: @JuanHapito and @JMarasigan MUA: @ClumsyClariss